Vessel of Dreams Query – Take Two…

Okay, I tried to be more specific and, hopefully, more compelling. I usually don’t have much trouble writing pretty good queries, but for some reason this one was a lot harder. I guess partly because there are so many plot threads/backstory (not IN the manuscript, just stuff that I know and was trying to include in the query) that I was having trouble figuring out WHAT to include and what not to include. (And if it seems longer than some people’s queries, that’s because I do it deliberately. I seem to have a MUCH better track record making my query letter blurbs 2-3 paragraphs.)

Anywho, any and all comments welcome. As long as you don’t make me cry. 😉

Maiden. Mother. Crone. One witch from an unbroken line holds the potential to serve as the Triple Goddess’s Vessel. Another will commit any act necessary to control her. Even murder.

18-year-old Briana McRae never dreamed the sudden deaths of her parents would unleash a closet full of family skeletons and relatives she never knew existed. But as she grows closer to the newfound aunt and cousin who loathe each other, it becomes obvious that someone is manipulating her with a mystical family heirloom, hoping to force her onto a path of dark magic and blood sacrifice.

While Briana learns to use her abilities as a witch, she uncovers a web of treachery leading back decades. Everything seems to hinge on the night she was born nineteen years earlier, when her parents fled Boston after discovering her aunt Carey would stop at nothing–not even sacrificing her second daughter–to possess the Vessel for herself. In a final confrontation with her aunt on All Hollows Eve, Briana’s fear and loathing for Badb, the darkest Aspect of the three, nearly allow Carey to gain immortality and untold power. Only by accepting her fate as the Vessel–and acknowledging that darkness serves to balance light–can Briana succeed in stopping her aunt’s decades-long reign of dark magic and murder.

Hope this one has less suck! 😉

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6 responses to “Vessel of Dreams Query – Take Two…

  1. Ok, two nitpicks 🙂
    But as she grows closer to the newfound aunt and cousin who loathe each other, it becomes obvious that someone is manipulating her with a mystical family heirloom, hoping to force her onto a path of dark magic and blood sacrifice. I had to read twice to see who HER was.
    Also, the second paragraph reads more like a summary than a tease. I didn’t get a burgeoning sense of excitement? I dunno. I just wanted more buildup and tickle. 🙂
    You’re almost there tho!

    • Kay. Will change the confusing her to “Briana’s”.
      Well, there’s so much in this one that it’s hard to tease without explaining at least a bit. But I’ll take a look at it and see what I can do. =) At least it’s closer now, cause I was getting sick of staring at it last night! 😉
      Thanks for being mean to me helping me make it better! Hee! 😉

  2. My half a penny
    I did not see the previous query so I can’t compare the two but here’s my comments FWIW.
    Please take this with a huge grain of salt as I have not yet written my own query letters.
    In the second paragraph you mention an aunt and a cousin but there are no names so in the third paragraph so I can only guess the aunt Carey is the same as the aunt in the second paragraph. Also, there’s this jump from magic in the first paragraph to mundane in the second paragraph and then back to magic but there doesn’t seem to be a smooth transition. Perhaps there is some way you can mix together the second and third paragraph and then redivide them to balance that out?
    All the parts sound very good they just seem a bit disjointed or out of place if that makes sense. 🙂

  3. The last paragraph tells too much of the story. Now I know who the enemy is; what the ultimate goal is; and that Carey doesn’t win. (isn’t that All Hallows Eve?) The reader assumes that Briana will win, but we don’t want to know how and when just by reading the synopsis.
    I like the first paragraph.
    Not too sure about the second. I agree you should give their names. Like Aunt Carey and cousin, Whateverhernameis.